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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Frustrated, but I'll get past it...

YEP...I am frustrated!  There, I said it!!  I am allowed a bad day once in a while.  It is nothing anyone has done in particular, just a combination of things.

This weight loss journey, over the past 2 years, has taken me through some amazing steps.  I in no way will ever discount my achievements so far, but sometimes I just can't help but be a little overwhelmed with it all.

In my mind I am still that girl who people stare at every where I go, who people whisper about in a store as they pass you.  I still feel like I look gross in pictures.  I still feel like I need to buy clothes way bigger than what I wear now.  Once you live 30 years as  the "fat girl" it is very hard to get over.  When you are in 6th grade and the girls on the playground ask you "are you pregnant or are you just really fat", that sticks with you.  When you get Richard Simmons tapes instead of a Prom Dress...that my friends sticks with you.

Some people wonder why I write about all of this.  Do I love it?  No not an absolute passion of mine.  I enjoy it to some extent. For me it is an outlet - to share my experiences.  I also do it to be able to look back at how far I have come along the way. 

In a way I am "safely" reaching out and letting more people in.  I have social anxiety and freak out when I get thrown into a situation our of my "normal comfort zone".  Sometimes I feel it is getting to be too much and I have to "tell" someone.  I only have a few select friends anymore, which I hardly ever talk to or see.

During this whole experience, I have learned EVERYONE is a weight loss expert.  REALLY? hmm  You can try to sell me on pills, wraps, supplements, and any other thing you have trying to make money on.  But, the real fact of the matter is that I started out doing this on my own with a PCP, phone app to count calories and a gym membership.  THAT is how I will end this...tracking my food and working out to the best of my ability.

I have said it before, I pay experts for advice.  They know my situation and my medical history to go along with it.  It seems as though lately as I reach out for advice, I haven't gotten much on how to steer back on the right path.  Maybe I am getting the advice I seek and I am just not hearing it.

I have figured out that with everything, it is human nature to get to comfortable and think "oh I got this".  Well I have it to an extent.  I still seek direction.  Everyone's experiences are going to be different.  I do realize that.  My frustration comes in when other people are losing 20 lbs in a month, 40 lbs in 3 months, and so on and so on.  I have been at this for 2 YEARS...just very frustrating. 

At some point you just kind of have to wonder if something else is going on.  If you are eating right, exercising and you have a healthy check-up with blood work, etc. and nothing is happening, could something else be underlying?  I dunno...I have been told year after year it is not my no, it is not my thyroid.  I know I have some food allergies, but wouldn't know if I had others.

I am 6 weeks into this bootcamp and it has been fun at times and other times I just want to cry and run away thinking that I can't do it. But, somehow I manage to push thru it each week. I think I kind of that the wrong idea going into the bootcamp though. I thought it was going to jump start my weight loss and it would all be downhill. WRONG! I am seeing results, don't get me wrong. It is more about building muscle, strength and endurance than it is about losing a ton of weight.

Everyone has frustrations from time to me I know.  But until you have lived as an overweight person with medical limitations, don't judge me for "letting it out".

I give everything my 100%.  My 100% may look a little different than others though.

I may be frustrated tonight, but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel...oh don't worry, I AM NOT GIVING UP!!

1 comment:

  1. I am right there with you. Documenting everything myself, in and out of Docs and yet no one has any answers. What I have watched before me with you is a total transformation. Doing walks and getting out there to the gym, bootcamp, all things you would not have done before this journey. You are making changes, and even if the scale isnt moving, your body is!